A Christmas Carol:
How Can I Help?
Introduction
A Christmas Carol teaches that everyone needs some sort of help. Scrooge, despite all of his riches, is the loneliest character in the story, and has been all of his life. When he was a child, he sat alone on Christmas Eve, unwanted by his father, while all other children had gone home. The Ghost of Christmas Past takes him to see his former child self on that day:
"'The school is not quite deserted,' said the Ghost. 'A solitary child, neglected by his friends, is left there still.' Scrooge said he knew it. And he sobbed" (Dickens 325). This reaction from the supposedly callous, grown-up Scrooge shows that Scrooge has been hiding his true pain behind a wall of sarcastic remarks and long hours devoted to his job. If he were not still lonely, he would have no reason to cry. He could take comfort in the fact that the little boy will grow up to live a joyous life, filled with people who love and care for him. That's not the case though, and Scrooge seems to weep not just for that solitary little boy he once was, but for the deeply lonely man he is now. |
I see loneliness in our society as well. I see it before a class starts, when students instinctively take out their phones to stare at a screen, to "look busy" rather than look vulnerable or alone. I see it in my dad. I see it in myself too, but just recently, I saw loneliness most acutely in my mom. The day before Thanksgiving, she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she was feeling really lonely recently, living in Santa Barbara without a job. This conversation with her really affected me. I hadn't seen her share anguish like that before. As a result of reading A Christmas Carol and thinking about the loneliness I see in our society, I would like to create a plan to help my mom. I want to help her feel less lonely and more connected.
Research
Who does loneliness affect and why is it a problem?
Loneliness is affecting more and more people in the United States than ever before. According to the National Science Foundation (NSF), twenty-five percent of Americans believe that they don't have anyone with whom they can talk about matters of importance (Crouse, 2014). This means that they don't even have one person in their life they can confide in. The numbers is even higher for older Americans. According to a report by AARP, thirty-five percent of Americans over forty-five identify themselves as chronically lonely (Edmonson, 2010).
Researchers have speculated why this upward trend is occurring. Political scientist Robert Putnam attributes this trend in part to an increase in TV watching. He cites that five percent of American households had televisions in 1960 compared with ninety-five percent in 1970, and now most Americans have one in every room (Crouse, 2014). Others have speculated that increases in commuting time as well as increases in working hours may contribute to Americans' lack of social ties. The Washington Post reported that with every ten minute increase in commute time, they found that people spend ten percent less time cultivating relationships (Crouse, 2014). Harvard Psychiatry Professors Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz attribute American loneliness to a cultural shift that increasingly values self-reliance and individualism (Olds & Schwartz, 2009). They offer the example of how being a good neighbor used to mean visiting your neighbors, and now it means not bothering them (Olds & Schwartz, 2009).
Whatever the reasons for this increase in loneliness, numerous studies show that being lonely poses serious health risks. Social psychologist John Cacioppo found that people who are socially isolated are at a fourteen percent higher risk for premature death than those who are not socially isolated (Bergland, 2015). He also found that social isolation was linked with other health complications, such as higher blood pressure, higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and a higher prevalence of Alzheimer's disease (Edmondson, 2010). In addition, researchers from UCLA found that social isolation in humans and rhesus monkeys decreased the effectiveness of the immune system (Bergland, 2015). All of these studies demonstrate the seriousness of the loneliness epidemic that the U.S. is currently facing.
Whis is the best way for me to help someone who is lonely?
People are lonely because they perceive that they don't have enough meaningful social interactions in their lives. Times Op-ed columnist Ross Douthat argues, "For many people, the strongest forms of community are still the traditional ones — the kind forged by shared genes, shared memory, shared geography" (Douthat, 2013). This means that in order to have these meaningful social interactions, people still need to meet face-to-face and still need to talk about things that are important, like "shared memory."
If meaningful interactions are the most important antidote to combat loneliness, the question becomes, how do we have meaningful interactions? What do they look like? CEO of Influence & Co. John Hall offers thirteen ways to have more meaningful conversations. His first piece of advice is, "Don't get too excited about your next thought" (Hall, 2013). He writes, "People can tell when you aren't truly listening because you can't wait to get your next thought out...make it a point to listen before you speak" (Hall, 2013). Another piece of advice he offers is "Ask good questions that show you're engaged." He states, "Gathering details makes it more likely that you’ll be able to establish a connection with the other person or find a way you can lend a hand" (Hall, 2013). A final piece of advice is to "Try to genuinely relate." He says, "They can spot a fake bonding opportunity from a mile away. Don’t force the conversation. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about that you’re also interested in" (Hall, 2013). That last one seems particularly important. Conversations can't be forced. They must be genuine in order for both parties to feel loved and respected by the other.
Another article offers advice on how to make phone calls more meaningful, not just face-to-face interactions. Public Speaking Coach Jezra Kaye writes that following basic phone etiquette is an important step. She argues that taking a second to ask if this is a good time to talk is a way to show that you respect the person's time and are willing to work around their schedule to keep up your relationship (Kaye, 2012). She also advises to offer appreciation and gratitude at the end of the conversation by saying, "Thanks for taking the time to talk," or "It's been great to speak with you" (Kaye, 2013). Following these simple etiquette rules seem like common sense, but I think they might set a tone of respect and love, especially if the person I am trying to help is my mom.
In addition to taking the time to have meaningful, face-to-face interactions with the people we care about, Olds and Schwartz argue that building meaningful relationships happens through small, simple acts that take place over long periods of time rather than big changes all at once:
"Small daily choices—whether to go to a local store or order off the Internet, whether to pick up a ringing telephone or let it go to voicemail, whether to get together with a friend or pop in a DVD—end up defining one’s social world. These little decisions are cumulative. You step back a little from others. They step back a little from you. You feel a little left out. Feeling left out, unexamined, leads you to step back further. But feeling left out, when it’s examined, can lead people to work a little harder to reconnect" (Olds & Schwartz, 2009).
This means that developing social behaviors must become a habit in order to make a significant difference. This also means that the changes in a person's life don't have to be big. Rather, small changes to a person's daily routine that can make a lasting difference, as long as they are consistently implemented.
Finally, the most important way to help is to do something. Psychologist Guy Winch states, "Until we have the right programs in place, it is up to us, ordinary citizens, to create awareness for the terrible problem of loneliness in our society and to take action in any way we can" (Winch, 2015). Making a commitment to combat loneliness and following through on that commitment is the most important step in making a change. If we care, we can't do nothing. We must at least try something.
Loneliness is affecting more and more people in the United States than ever before. According to the National Science Foundation (NSF), twenty-five percent of Americans believe that they don't have anyone with whom they can talk about matters of importance (Crouse, 2014). This means that they don't even have one person in their life they can confide in. The numbers is even higher for older Americans. According to a report by AARP, thirty-five percent of Americans over forty-five identify themselves as chronically lonely (Edmonson, 2010).
Researchers have speculated why this upward trend is occurring. Political scientist Robert Putnam attributes this trend in part to an increase in TV watching. He cites that five percent of American households had televisions in 1960 compared with ninety-five percent in 1970, and now most Americans have one in every room (Crouse, 2014). Others have speculated that increases in commuting time as well as increases in working hours may contribute to Americans' lack of social ties. The Washington Post reported that with every ten minute increase in commute time, they found that people spend ten percent less time cultivating relationships (Crouse, 2014). Harvard Psychiatry Professors Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz attribute American loneliness to a cultural shift that increasingly values self-reliance and individualism (Olds & Schwartz, 2009). They offer the example of how being a good neighbor used to mean visiting your neighbors, and now it means not bothering them (Olds & Schwartz, 2009).
Whatever the reasons for this increase in loneliness, numerous studies show that being lonely poses serious health risks. Social psychologist John Cacioppo found that people who are socially isolated are at a fourteen percent higher risk for premature death than those who are not socially isolated (Bergland, 2015). He also found that social isolation was linked with other health complications, such as higher blood pressure, higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and a higher prevalence of Alzheimer's disease (Edmondson, 2010). In addition, researchers from UCLA found that social isolation in humans and rhesus monkeys decreased the effectiveness of the immune system (Bergland, 2015). All of these studies demonstrate the seriousness of the loneliness epidemic that the U.S. is currently facing.
Whis is the best way for me to help someone who is lonely?
People are lonely because they perceive that they don't have enough meaningful social interactions in their lives. Times Op-ed columnist Ross Douthat argues, "For many people, the strongest forms of community are still the traditional ones — the kind forged by shared genes, shared memory, shared geography" (Douthat, 2013). This means that in order to have these meaningful social interactions, people still need to meet face-to-face and still need to talk about things that are important, like "shared memory."
If meaningful interactions are the most important antidote to combat loneliness, the question becomes, how do we have meaningful interactions? What do they look like? CEO of Influence & Co. John Hall offers thirteen ways to have more meaningful conversations. His first piece of advice is, "Don't get too excited about your next thought" (Hall, 2013). He writes, "People can tell when you aren't truly listening because you can't wait to get your next thought out...make it a point to listen before you speak" (Hall, 2013). Another piece of advice he offers is "Ask good questions that show you're engaged." He states, "Gathering details makes it more likely that you’ll be able to establish a connection with the other person or find a way you can lend a hand" (Hall, 2013). A final piece of advice is to "Try to genuinely relate." He says, "They can spot a fake bonding opportunity from a mile away. Don’t force the conversation. Try to hit on something the other person is passionate about that you’re also interested in" (Hall, 2013). That last one seems particularly important. Conversations can't be forced. They must be genuine in order for both parties to feel loved and respected by the other.
Another article offers advice on how to make phone calls more meaningful, not just face-to-face interactions. Public Speaking Coach Jezra Kaye writes that following basic phone etiquette is an important step. She argues that taking a second to ask if this is a good time to talk is a way to show that you respect the person's time and are willing to work around their schedule to keep up your relationship (Kaye, 2012). She also advises to offer appreciation and gratitude at the end of the conversation by saying, "Thanks for taking the time to talk," or "It's been great to speak with you" (Kaye, 2013). Following these simple etiquette rules seem like common sense, but I think they might set a tone of respect and love, especially if the person I am trying to help is my mom.
In addition to taking the time to have meaningful, face-to-face interactions with the people we care about, Olds and Schwartz argue that building meaningful relationships happens through small, simple acts that take place over long periods of time rather than big changes all at once:
"Small daily choices—whether to go to a local store or order off the Internet, whether to pick up a ringing telephone or let it go to voicemail, whether to get together with a friend or pop in a DVD—end up defining one’s social world. These little decisions are cumulative. You step back a little from others. They step back a little from you. You feel a little left out. Feeling left out, unexamined, leads you to step back further. But feeling left out, when it’s examined, can lead people to work a little harder to reconnect" (Olds & Schwartz, 2009).
This means that developing social behaviors must become a habit in order to make a significant difference. This also means that the changes in a person's life don't have to be big. Rather, small changes to a person's daily routine that can make a lasting difference, as long as they are consistently implemented.
Finally, the most important way to help is to do something. Psychologist Guy Winch states, "Until we have the right programs in place, it is up to us, ordinary citizens, to create awareness for the terrible problem of loneliness in our society and to take action in any way we can" (Winch, 2015). Making a commitment to combat loneliness and following through on that commitment is the most important step in making a change. If we care, we can't do nothing. We must at least try something.
Method
For this project, I want to try to build a stronger relationship with my mom to combat the loneliness I have been seeing in her. As a result of the research, I'm going to conduct a small, simple act rather than try to make a big change, I'm going to talk about topics and memories that are important to my mom and me, and finally, I'm going to follow through on the plan I create. Although the research also claims that face-to-face interactions are best, my mom lives in Santa Barbara and does not have internet access, making face-to-face time impossible.
For my plan, I'm going to call my mom every day for fifteen minutes for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, to see if my plan made any difference, I'm going to ask her what she thought of our phone conversations.
My Plan:
My Goals:
For my plan, I'm going to call my mom every day for fifteen minutes for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, to see if my plan made any difference, I'm going to ask her what she thought of our phone conversations.
My Plan:
- Thursday 12/10 - Thursday 12/24: Call Mom every day at 4:30 pm during my drive home from work.
- Friday 12/25: Ask Mom what she thought about my phone calls, and if she thought it started bringing us closer.
My Goals:
- During our conversation on December 25th, I hope to hear my mom say that she enjoyed our phone calls and thinks we might develop a stronger relationship if we continue to call each other more. In addition, I hope that we can talk about how better to develop our relationship.
- Over the course of our two weeks of conversations, I hope to feel closer to my mom.
Results
What happened? ? Tell the story of the day(s) you helped using as much detail as you can. Be sure to mention what the highlights were and what problems came up.
Discussion
What went well? Why do you think that went well? What could have been different? Why do you think you should have changed the plan? What questions were raised? Where do we go from here?
Works Cited
Bergland, C., (2015). Loneliness: Perceived Isolation Is Public Enemy #1. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201511/loneliness-perceived-social-isolation-is-public-enemy-no-1
Crouse, J. S. (2014). The Loneliness of American Society. The American Spectator. Retrieved from http://spectator.org/articles/59230/loneliness-american-society
Douthat, R. (2013). All The Lonely People. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/19/opinion/sunday/douthat-loneliness-and-suicide.html?_r=0
Edmondson, B. (2010). All The Lonely People. AARP Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.aarp.org/personal-growth/transitions/info-09-2010/all_the_lonely_people.html
Hall, J., (2013). 13 Simple Ways You Can Have More Meaningful Conversations. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnhall/2013/08/18/13-simple-ways-you-can-have-more-meaningful-conversations/
Kaye, J., (2012) How To Have A Phone Conversation That Builds A (Real) Relationship. Speak Up for Success. Retrieved from http://speakupforsuccess.com/5645/public-speaking-phone-tips/
Olds, J., and Schwartz, R. S., (2009). The Lonely American. UTNE Reader. Retrieved from http://www.utne.com/mind-and-body/reconnect-technology-society-lonely-american.aspx?PageId=4
Winch, G., (2010). We Need a National Anti-Loneliness Campaign for the Holidays. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201511/we-need-national-anti-loneliness-campaign-the-holidays
Crouse, J. S. (2014). The Loneliness of American Society. The American Spectator. Retrieved from http://spectator.org/articles/59230/loneliness-american-society
Douthat, R. (2013). All The Lonely People. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/19/opinion/sunday/douthat-loneliness-and-suicide.html?_r=0
Edmondson, B. (2010). All The Lonely People. AARP Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.aarp.org/personal-growth/transitions/info-09-2010/all_the_lonely_people.html
Hall, J., (2013). 13 Simple Ways You Can Have More Meaningful Conversations. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnhall/2013/08/18/13-simple-ways-you-can-have-more-meaningful-conversations/
Kaye, J., (2012) How To Have A Phone Conversation That Builds A (Real) Relationship. Speak Up for Success. Retrieved from http://speakupforsuccess.com/5645/public-speaking-phone-tips/
Olds, J., and Schwartz, R. S., (2009). The Lonely American. UTNE Reader. Retrieved from http://www.utne.com/mind-and-body/reconnect-technology-society-lonely-american.aspx?PageId=4
Winch, G., (2010). We Need a National Anti-Loneliness Campaign for the Holidays. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201511/we-need-national-anti-loneliness-campaign-the-holidays
Extra Scraps
I see loneliness in our society as well. I see it before a class starts, when students instinctively take out their phones to stare at a screen, to "look busy" rather than look vulnerable or alone. I see it when my dad comes to visit. I see it in his eyes. I see it in my mom. I see it in myself, too. When I come home to a quiet apartment, a panic takes hold sometimes, and it helps to think about all of the things I have to do that night. It's a distraction, the same way Scrooge distracted himself at his office.
"But you were always a good man of business, Jacob," faltered Scrooge...
"Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing his hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!" (Dickens 321)
This is what Jacob Marley, Scrooge's dead business partner, says to Scrooge when he visits him one fateful Christmas Eve night. I've read this story over four times now, and Jacob's plea on behalf of humanity strikes a powerful chord in me every time. In this section, Marley is saying that we cannot rest in doing good work in our jobs. We must strive to look outside of our comfortable lives, beyond the "dealings of [our] trade," and see who needs help. The reason why this part strikes such a powerful chord in me is because I use the same excuse, my job, that Marley and Scrooge used. I am an English teacher. I work with kids. Although I chose this profession because I wanted a job where I felt like I was helping, like Scrooge, I've often used my job as a reason for why I don't use my free time to help others. It's a valid excuse. I have very little free time outside of planning and grading papers, and the little free time that I do have I feel exhausted or I try to use it working out and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
"But you were always a good man of business, Jacob," faltered Scrooge...
"Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing his hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!" (Dickens 321)
This is what Jacob Marley, Scrooge's dead business partner, says to Scrooge when he visits him one fateful Christmas Eve night. I've read this story over four times now, and Jacob's plea on behalf of humanity strikes a powerful chord in me every time. In this section, Marley is saying that we cannot rest in doing good work in our jobs. We must strive to look outside of our comfortable lives, beyond the "dealings of [our] trade," and see who needs help. The reason why this part strikes such a powerful chord in me is because I use the same excuse, my job, that Marley and Scrooge used. I am an English teacher. I work with kids. Although I chose this profession because I wanted a job where I felt like I was helping, like Scrooge, I've often used my job as a reason for why I don't use my free time to help others. It's a valid excuse. I have very little free time outside of planning and grading papers, and the little free time that I do have I feel exhausted or I try to use it working out and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.